Friday, July 8, 2011

365Beautiful Days 17 - 24 ... (June 25 - July 2, 2011) EXHALE....

I know this may seem like a bit of cheating on the whole 365 posts concept, but the truth is that this was a bit of a tough week. 

I had written about 3 entries for the week and thought of going back and filling in the other missing days with things I remembered, but it was all a bit muddled. So I decided to write one entire entry for these 7 days, as I've been reflecting a lot on what's happened. 

As much as I try to focus on everything that is positive in my life and in the world (the whole reason for me taking on this task), I still find myself battling with dark feelings of loneliness, uncertainty and sadness. 

I spent this week doing a lot of reflecting on myself, who I am, who I want to be and how I've gotten where I am. I feel I've spent a good portion of my life trying to please others or live up to expectations I felt others had of me. 

FELT... they had of me. 

I can't seem to pinpoint how I began to do this to myself, to piece together what people thought of me and assign those assumptions to expectations for me. 

I should be smarter. 
I should be prettier. 
I should be more talented. 
I should be wittier. 
I should be more clever. 
I should be, I should be, I should be...

But what am I? 

Well... I'm not perfect. I know this. 

I've beat myself up many times for just not being "that." I'm not that. Why am I not that? 


The end of this week was a bit tough for me. I experienced a bit of tension and confusion. Every time this happens I pull into my shell and mull over every single detail that just happened. Then I think of what I should have done or said. What I should do next. What holes to re-patch. 

Neurotic. Maybe. 

However, on Saturday (July 2nd) afternoon, I sat on my couch watching television and finally exhaled. Perhaps this is all, everything, getting easier with time. Perhaps. 

People who meet me for the first time often tell me I'm extremely quiet. It's true, I am. I am because I like to observe people around me, what they say, how they move, how they laugh and if their eyes match their actions. As a result of doing this for years on end, I've come to become a pretty good judge of character. That's not to say that I'll judge your actions or cut friendships because of faults.... but that I understand. 

I get it. 

I get me too. Somewhat. I'm getting there. 

Every time I exhale after some crazy sort of tea-cup ride spin in my life, I know I'll get it a little bit more. 

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